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a night in #galaxyrangers recently revealed:

Tortuna TeleVision [TTV]
Late Night Advertising

idea by AKK
edited by A. Kniggendorf
ad-credits: given in text

Fine rooms to rent, all inclusive.
Royal landlady.
Dial... ~AKK

Got an inconvenient relative?
A deadbeat roommate?
An ex-boyfriend who just won't leave you alone?
Call... ~Trivia

Your place looks crumpled?
Your neighborhood sucks?
You feel paranoid about the wonderful spybots?
BY GOD! You ran out of drugs!
Call 555-GLITTER!
We'll connect you to the dealer of your choice
for just 5.67 Crowns/sec. ~AKK

Got fines that need fixing?
Tickets you don't want to pay?
A murder to cover up?
Call 555-BRIBE and we will take care of you. ~Trivia

Announcement in own affairs:
Wanted (urgently):
TTV Spot news moderator.
Well paid, highly regarded, free lodging and food.
Average life expectancy: 1 show.
Apply at... ~AKK

Your neighborhood has humans?
Call Exterminate Inc.!
We'll catch, bind, and hand them over to the authorities
for just 50% of the reward. ~AKK

Memory Birds Inc. : our birdbrains are the best! ~Trivia

Join the Forces! Adventures throughout the Galaxy!
Attractive Armor, free flights, and Royal employer all inclusive!
Enlist NOW! ~AKK

1,000,000 Crown reward for information leading to the capture of
former TTV anchorperson Jujub Horkinak. (one of them got away) ~Trivia

Whoever withholds knowledge about GalaxyRangers
commits a major offence and faces eternal wrath of the Queen
(to be spent in a comfortable private booth. visit the psychocrypt
for a personal experience of our improved comfort). ~AKK

Excellent medical benefits!
Apply Room 21325, West Wing, Royal Palace.
Gherkins and humans preferred. ~Trivia

Need a hand (or a whole being to do the job)?
Call 555-ZANGWELL.
We take orders up to 5000 entities. ~AKK

For sale: Full equipment for earth-style rock band.
Highest quality instruments. Slightly used.
Comes with free complimentary video of Eve Wheiner's band. ~Trivia

(males only) Excellent gratification.
Sportive physique a necessity.
Apply Room 6-69. (appropriate clothing available at location) ~AKK

Tortuna Bell: Run for the Border! ~Trivia

Sick of routine tortures?
We go for the *specials*
Call 555-SCREAM! ~AKK

Tortuna Evening Classes:
1) a slaverlord, the slightly different neighbor
2) how to bribe crown agents properly
3) mannerisms of spydroids
4) psychocrypt ettiquette
5) how to avoid traffic jams while lying dead.out with drugs in the street
6) make money! catch humans! We show you how!
7) the sensible crowntrooper - a being like you and me
8) city hygiene: how to deal with spydroids, tunnels, and humans. ~AKK

Got an enemy that no one will take on?
Call Killbane Inc. and we'll take them out. ~Trivia

Need some flair, some grandeur, some magic?
Call Mogul, court magician extraordinnaire ~AKK

REWARD: 5.000 crowns for the critter's head who posted the last ad. ~AKK

Need hands for your business?
Call 555-Plaguos4all.
Genetically enhanced versions in stock! ~AKK

Will pay top dollar ~Trivia

Memory Bird Malfunctions? Not with us!
Call BrainBirdCo. (Royal Servant). ~AKK

Your slaverlord bubbles?
Let's learn in 10 easy steps how to work properly with the spongefish-95 model.
Call... ~AKK

Want that lovely lilac glow?
Get Superba Cosmetics and get the Royal treatment. ~Trivia

In need of tamed men?
Want to add royal glamour to your lifestyle?
Consort Inc. - *the* dating agency! ~AKK

Suffering hair loss?
Our top specialists will show you how to best conceal it from your subjects.
Call 555-GO-BALDY! ~Bruinhilda

12,000,000 for the head of the Baldy Hair Replacement Co. Body optional. ~Trivia

Tortuna Travelline!
Sightseeing throughout the Empire.
Psychocrypt all inclusive!
Call your travel agent right NOW.

COOKING WITH US: Humans - the other white meat. ~AKK

Need that annoying person in your life gone?
HitMen R Us! For all your extermination needs.
Call 555-REAPER ~Bruinhilda

Government repossessions and surplus equipment.
Ships, cybersteeds, memory birds, crown troopers all sold to the highest bidder.
Saturday, October 12, viewing starts 7 a.m., bidding starts at noon. ~Trivia

Got stuff? Need money?
Go blackmarkets! The only address with consent of the palace! ~AKK

Got information the Crown wants?
Don't want to attract the attention of the crown troopers?
Call 555-SNITCH.
Confidential reports to the Crown without the hassle, for only 25% of the reward. ~Trivia

Stuck in a dead end job? Going no where fast?
Then see your Crown trooper Recruiter Today!
We're looking for a few expendable bodies! ~AnnieO

Crown Insurance Agency.
We provide coverage against fire, flood, meteor showers,
psychocrystalization, and so much more! ~Trivia

Rival companies? Annoying superiors?
Call Kill'em Inc. The easier way up. ~AKK

Your life's no fun? Your wife's gone?
Humans burned your house?
The troopers found your tunnel?
Don't give up! PSYCHAM shows you *the productive way ahead*!
Call 555-CRYPT ~AKK

To whoever it was who ratted me out to the Rangers:
I did not appreciate having the Runt kick down my door and shoot up my apartment.
When I get my hands on you I will show you exactly why
Killbane Inc. is the nastiest elimination agency in Crown Space. ~Trivia

You're a tech genius?
You aren't afraid to take risks?
You like to dwell at high places?
Call 555-PALACE - we might use you. ~AKK

When you go out on the town, you want people to know who you are.
You want people to treat you with respect.
You want Obsession for Tyrants. The scent of power. ~Bruinhilda

All levels of Crown Fleet personnel, including engineers, pilots,
navigators, programmers, communications, and weapons techs. ~Trivia
log on at cannonfodder.com ~Bruinhilda

20 minutes work, 1 month's pay!
Free food and lodging!

Want to look like a Queen?
Come to Capes-R-Us. ~Trivia

Get your picture taken with Elvis!
Visit Madame Toussaud's Tortuna. ~Trivia

Hogokuk's late night talk:
Topic: The secret desires of the Queen!
Date and Place secret. Stay tuned. ~AKK

Not for the weak-stomached or children. ~Trivia

TTV sadly reports the sudden decease of it's senior stuff. ~AKK

television personnel.
All positions available. apply NOW!
555-TTV ~AKK


and at the same time on

Crown Shopping Network:

"And that's not all, call now and we'll throw in an offspring of the
MOTHMOOSE OF KIRWIN! That's right, for only 49.95 crowns, we'll send
you the X-Factor genetic enhancing agent, a gelatinous henchman, a
floating holder for your brain and an offspring of the MOTHMOOSE OF

Mothmoose offspring available on first come, first serve basis. Crown
Inc not liable for mutations, side effects and mishaps due to the use of
X-Factor (heck, we threw in the brain holder didn't we, Negata?).

Act now, supplies are limited!"



Bureau of Extra-Terrestrial Affairs