Earth Times
Headlines of the Month

by
A Kniggendorf

Please note:
The mistakes in this text are on purpose!
[You don't expect Earth Times' editors to do their job before snorting some Tortunian imports up their noses, do you?]


This issue includes:
High Society News
Fashion News
Advertisments from our fellow magazine "High Society of Tortuna"


The bad news of the year:
HIGH SOCIETY NEWS

Announcement of wedding

Senator Wheiner and The Queen of the Crown

proudly announce their planned wedding on Friday, January 29.

The wedding reception will take place at the Orion's -- the most popular music hall around the galaxy.
Everybody - except Galaxy Rangers - are welcome as wedding guests.
There will be entertainment (Larry and the Demons),
a great magic show (of the magician at court: Mogul),
and of course an excellent barbecue
(the steaks of fat Bovo 6 cattle were imported from planet Prairie as grateful presents from Bovo Enterprises).

The happy couple hopes, that a lot of their guests will enjoy the following psycho-crystallization...

As a comment:
It is known, that the former Mrs. Wheiner won't come to the wedding. The rumors about this say, that she can't effort it because the bill of her divorce lawyer exceed the capital of her ex-husband more than two times...

As always our press agency insists on answering the most important questions about our news:
"Somehow, I credited Her Highness with more taste then that." [-Jessica]
She has more taste than that, because:
1.) She employed Larry and the Demons for entertainment.
2.) She keeps Lazarus Slate (she softly called him "Lazzie") as official admirer/lover.
"Hey, what about Slade? You really believe he'd be welcome? (Oh, ok, >she might consider turning him into a slaverlord before he even objects ;-)" [CGfWiG]
See above.
"Senator Wheiner and the Queen??? intresting, but I don't think it would work. SHe'd surley make a slaverlord of him after a week of his idiotic babbling. Mabey the general?" [-Derrick :)]
Of course, she is going to create a "Wheiner"-chrystal. She just waits until all access codes to high security bases of the League (like LSL - Long Shot Labors) and the credit codes are extracted out of his brain...
"Maybe Wheiner set up one heck of a pre-nuptial agreement. <G>" [Greg]
He surely has, but the Queen is known to kill lawyers who don't create back doors for her into such agreements.

Top News:
Wedding of the year - CANCELLED

As our secret correspondent from Tortuna - Big-G - told us the wedding of the year between Senator Wheiner and the Queen of the Crown is cancelled. It is said, that Senator Wheiner accused his bride of having secret desires about one of his most dangerous enemies.
We regret to have to say that we haven't got an official comment from the GRS5 (as specialists about Tortuna and the Queen).
But after we ask our questions we overheared a short dialog, of which one sentence from Ranger Niko is remarkable enough to present it to you: "...may dream about him, but she is never going to get him!"

As an official information from one of our biggest sponsors:
INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL do not refund already ordered trips to the Wedding of
the Year.

Latest News:

Senator Wheiner has proposed a motion in the Board of World Leaders for handing over Galaxy Ranger Shane Gooseman to the Queen of the Crown. As far as our correspondent knows, the Senator has discovered a wanted file of the Tortunian Empire for Ranger Gooseman that promises a reward of 9.900.000.000.000 Tortunian Crowns.
We've been told that if the Queen is forced to pay that reward the Tortunian Empire won't be able to build up a new armada against the League.
The debate on the motion is still going on.

We'll keep you -- as always -- informed.

Latest News - UPDATE:

The Board of World Leaders has turned down the motion for handing over a Galaxy Ranger to the Queen of the Crown after a very polite Ranger Captain and an obviously furious young female Ranger have informed the BWL that because of the exchange rate and the current inflation on Tortuna 9.900.000.000.000 Tortunian Crowns in our currency are about 5$.
Since this wouldn't even cover the costs of the fuel needed for the handing-over, the Board of World Leaders decided against the motion of Senator Wheiner.

We'll keep you -- as always -- informed.

Latest News - FINAL UPDATE:

Mysterious flu epidemy in the Series-5!

B.E.T.A. Commander J. Walsh recieved notifications of sickness of all (!) four members of the fabulous Series-5 Galaxy Rangers. We are told that they are infected by a very suddenly appearing flu virus that is not covered by this year's flu shots. Even the ST was seen with a kleenex box.
We didn't get a comment of any kind from the medical corps about the danger of a possible flu epidemy (except the standard phrase about washing the hands after...).

Senator accused of "breach of contract"!

Senator Wheiner is accused of commiting a breach of contract by an unknown alien aristocrat. We are told that the bill of indictment ends with the phrase: "You will bear the consequences and you will pay, Eric!" and is signed with "QC".

We'll keep you -- as always -- informed.

LATEST FASHION NEWS:

The new hot tip under the super models -- Ms. Eve Wheiner -- presented today the new collection of PsyCry.
(Of course, it's only a bad rumour that Ms. Wheiner had to skip her career as a rock star and is now presenting haute culture because she ran out of money after the mysterious disappearance of her father.)

The new style of PsyCry is reflected by wide swinging unisex costums for all occasions. We are going to present the most remarkable pieces of this new collection in a series of articles in our magazine. Of course, we are starting right now:

Psych-1

This wide swinging rag dress is marked by a bright pink colour and little frills around the plunging neckline, which is framed by six hexagonal crystals in dark purple and red. The appearance of Ms. Wheiner was really amazing (as one of my colleagues said: breathtaking).

Here are some comments about Psych-1 from well-known persons (though their reactions were quite different from what we expected):
Commander Walsh, base commander of Beta mountain: "No comment!"
Captain Fox, GRS-5: "Please take that away. Those crystals evoke unwellcome memories."
Ranger Niko, GRS-5: "Don't dare even to assume that I voluntarily would wear something pink!"
(After that, she called for the security service which showed us out.)

Scare-5:

This flowing dark brown robe is completed with a wide dark red cape and a frayed straw hat of amazing simplicity.

Usually, we present at this point some comments about the new dress, but we decided against it for a description about what happened when we presented Scare-5 in BetaMountain's laboratory.

We: "Mr. QBall, please give us a statement about your honest opinion of the new creation from PsyCry - Scare-5."
Mr. QBall: "I don't have time to waste on such a nonsense."
We: "We are very interested in the opinion of a scientist of your reputation."
Mr. Qball: "I can't say anything about a heap of cloth in a paper box!"
We: "Ah, there's Ranger Hardford. He surely will help us with this problem. -- Ranger!"
...
Ranger Hardford: "I'm sorry, Madam. But I have absolutely no talent for being a dressman at all." (He looked really sorry about that, than his face lightened up.) "But I know somebody who has." (He grapped the box with Scare-5 and vanished in the back of the laboratory.)
...
Ranger Gooseman: "QBall, have you seen the sharpener for my throwing stars?"
Mr. QBall: "No. And I hope for silence here!"
Ranger Gooseman: "Hey. I just asked--" (At that moment Ranger Hardford reappeared with somebody wearing Scare-5 with a formal though somehow stiff elegance. Ranger Gooseman turned round and fired at the new creation. Blue-and white metall came to vision under the burning cloth.) "Sorry, Buzz." (He holstered his weapons.)
Ranger Hardford (who had jumped to the side): "Hey, what do you have against our android?"
Ranger Gooseman (shrugged): "I've got this reflex against moving scarecrows..."
The Android: "Don't worry, Ranger Hardford. I was fabricated out off the best availabe alloys. Ranger Gooseman didn't damage any part of my system."
Ranger Hardford (picked a smoking rag of Scare-5 from the android's shoulder): "At least it looks better now than before. -- But, why are you armed, my Goose man? We are in Beta, after all."
Ranger Gooseman: "What?! Should I walk around in the nude, then?!"
Mr. QBall: "Be quiet! I have to concentrate upon this."
(At that moment the sprinklers of the fire extinguishing system started to work and filled the whole room with soft yellow foam. We don't dared to say anything further because of the dangerous appearance of Ranger Gooseman.)

ADVERTISEMENTS
[Earth Times gives no guarantees regarding the contents of these ads!]


HIGH SOCIETY of TORTUNA
[
As always we present the latest news from the palace]

WANTED

alive

the Bubblehead,
that observed when the highest Queen got dressed in the morning and informed
almost half of the galaxy about how many guards were needed to close her
corset properly.
(I've been told it were at least 48.)
Her famous Highness as usual offer 50.000 Tortunian Crowns
(as a cheque, of course! Don't fear to be rich afterwards.)

THE FIRST ROYAL HERALD


HIGH SOCIETY of TORTUNA
[
As always we present the latest news from the palace]

WANTED

dead or alive

the first royal herald,
that published the last "wanted" circular.
Her famous Highness as usual offer 150.000 Tortunian Crowns.

Her famous Highness herself.


HIGH SOCIETY of TORTUNA
[
As always we present the latest news from the palace]

WANTED

very necessary

a new informer in the High Palace,
since our last one mysteriously vanished.
We always offer regular publications with his name printed in grateful tall letters...

the editorial department





Fanfic

Bureau of Extra-Terrestrial Affairs